Groan

Why do I think I have to buy enough groceries to last a month?

Our monthly “hunting and gathering” yesterday afternoon.

Fred went to the pharmacy and one end of the store with a cart and part of the list I had given him. I went off to the grocery area and we met up later.

The first thing I loaded into my cart was 10 bottles of Diet Pepsi--it was on sale, but along with the next two items, orange juice and a jug of milk, the cart was already almost too heavy for me to push.

I tried to walk slowly to preserve my back and hip/leg, but I felt I was getting in people’s way…when I realized…I was going the wrong way in the aisle. Got that corrected and once again on my way with the challenge to fill up the cart. Why? Why? Why?

It’s not like I live far from the store…like I used too…and have to get a month’s worth of food to make the trip more economical. I live 2.5 miles from the stupid Wal-Mart store!! I can run up there everyday to get stuff if need be, but oh no…you’d think there was a blizzard forecasted or something and I was stocking up, afraid I was going to run out of food.

Once again, I am so pissed off with Wal-Mart. I like Apricots--with the skins on, in heavy syrup. They, for some reason, have quit stocking them and only have the Lite ones--yuk! I also could not find any dill stackers (pickles), and of course no JUST PLAIN STUPID BREYERS VANILLA ICE CREAM. No, we have French Vanilla, and Lite Vanilla, and Creamy Vanilla, and Home Made Vanilla, but no plain, ordinary vanilla with the vanilla bean seeds. They also now don’t stock smallish cans of cranberry sauce. They used to have all of the above, now they don’t. I think I discovered why.

They are loading up most of their shelves with the Great Value brand--probably make more money on their own brand. The thing of it is…I buy name brands. Sorry…that is just the way I am. That is one reason I don’t like the Aldi’s store--can’t find many brand name items there.

Hey--give me a break with your judgment--I know the off brands are cheaper. I have tried off brands. Found part of a corn cob in my canned corn once. Opened up a can whose label said “corn” only to find peas inside. Opened up a can of green beans to find stems and even part of a leaf inside. Nope--I stick with Green Giant or DelMonte and if I get a stem or a piece of cob, (which has only happened once) I write to them and they send me coupons to get free cans of whatever.

Well Fred and I talked about it, after we got home. We are going to start going to the grocery store more often and I am going to start shopping at Meijers. I can always find anything I want there and the little more in price, isn’t going to kill us financially. There is a new Meijer store right across the street from the Wal-Mart. Also with this store, it is impossible to enter in the out door, or exit through the enter door--which should also make me happier.

It took Fred and I both working, with our rest periods, over 45 minutes to get all the stuff from the car trunk into the house. It took me and hour to get it all put away.
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Guess where Fred and I are going today? Chiropractor’s--get our backs fixed from the grocery shopping expedition.

Have I mentioned that it’s hell to get old?

Unanswered Prayers and Dreams

Over the years, I have found that what I had prayed for and dreamed of that didn’t work out, was all for the best.

The first man I met after my divorce was smitten with me…that’s what his sister said he had told her. He actually used that word..."smitten". I thought he was wonderful. He treated me with such kindness and attention--the very things that had been missing from my sometimes abusive marriage. We spent as much time together as we could. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

We spent a week at Christmas time in his cottage in the northern woods. We spent days working on his house and getting ready for his move. He was being transferred to Florida. After he moved, he called me everyday and sent greeting cards every week or twice a week. We were devastated by being apart.

I had never flown in a plane, but he wanted me in Florida, so he sent me the ticket and I no matter how scared I was, I got on that plane. I stayed a week in his apartment and while he worked, I cleaned and did his laundry and ironed all his shirts and made an outstanding supper every night. He took a few days off and we spent time at the ocean.

He was looking for a home and he took me with him on his search and wanted to know what I liked. We did everything together and it looked like our future was set.

I prayed to God every night, “Dear God, if you let me marry R, I will never ask for another thing in this life.”

He traveled back and forth between the Florida and Michigan offices so we got to see each other at least every month to six weeks.

It was heady. It was fantastic. It was all I could think of.

It was Limerance.

“During the height of limerence, thoughts of the limerent object (or person) are both persistent, involuntary and intrusive. Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession. All events, associations, stimuli, and experiences return thoughts to the limerent object with unnerving consistency.”

Limerence lasts from 3 to 9 months after the initial meeting of the parties and is a form of obsessive infatuation and sometimes dies out as quickly as it starts. That is why, a couple should not marry or move in together until they have known each other at least 9 months--you gotta get over that period of infatuation to see if it is “real”.

R asked me once again to come and visit him in Florida and see his new home. It was fabulous. I could see myself living there as I moved through the rooms or enjoyed the pool. Ah yes--wouldn’t it be Heavenly? I did notice on this trip that he seemed to be critical of some of my behaviors. Things that he found “cute” about me at first, now he wanted me to change. We had known each other 9 months.

As he was driving me to the airport for my return trip, he told me that he wanted some time to think. That I was to return to Michigan, not call him and he would let me know what HE wanted to do about US. I cried all the way home. The stewardess on the plane thought a loved one of mine had died and I was flying home for the funeral.

R wasn’t the only one I dreamed of marrying and prayed for God to allow it. There was J and H and D and E. I loved each one of them to the point where it ruled my life and I put them first--before anyone else, including my family. I lived for them and through them with no concern of my own well being.

It has taken me years to realize…and that realization came with each one of them…I am SO GLAD that God didn’t grant my prayers! Each time, a few months later, I could look back and realize that marriage to them---each one of them---would have been a disaster. Either they were controlling, or manipulative, or not as in love with me as I was with them, or any number of reasons marriage wouldn’t work between us.

BUT, I had to get married again before the full realization hit me. I got married a short three months after I met him. He was so persistent. He loved me so much. We were older, why wait? The day after we were married, he gave me my first beating and black eye--I stayed for 3 years because I thought it was my fault and I was determined to change myself to make him happy.

Over the years I began to see that I was so dependent on someone else to make me happy. I was very needy, insecure and afraid of living alone and needed someone to love me in order to feel good about myself.
It took a long time and then one day I realized…I had been living alone for quite awhile.

I liked living alone. I liked doing whatever I wanted to do without having to consider anyone else. I was completely capable of taking care of myself and I felt at ease.
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I thank God each day that He answered me by saying “No” to those fervent prayers. Sometimes NO is the best answer. Sometimes dreams are not supposed to come true, wouldn't be good for us if they DID come true. Sometimes not getting one’s way is the best, in the long run.

I look at what I have now…with Fred. Neither one of us was looking for a relationship--we just happened, accidently to meet. It is better than I imagined I could ever experience.

Thank you God.

Andrew and Me

My grandson Andrew, who I refer to as Big Brother in this blog, and I went shopping for his birthday present last night after school. This little boy and I have been very close since he was born and moved back to this area. In fact, he and the other grandchildren are the main reason I moved from my farm to this area.

I picked him up after school and we discussed where he wanted to go shopping and if he knew what he wanted. Well, he had a very good idea of what he wanted and went into great detail of what kind of toy it was and how it worked. We got to Targey and found it immediately.

It is a radio controlled flying "wing" that flies along horizontally with propellors on each end. After it gets airborne, you hit a button and the thing transforms into a jet with the propellors on the nose. Amazing the kind of toys that are out there today. They also have a hover plane that flies along a few inches above the ground/floor--I may get that one for him for Christmas.

After that we had to go to Game Stop to see if they had a Mario game for his DIS or DSI or whatever--some kind of hand held game thingie? All this leaves me far from understanding what he is talking about, but he talked to the kid behind the counter and they knew exactly what he wanted.

At supper we were discussing his school. He said that he is bored with his classes. (He's in second grade.) He said, "We are not even doing subtraction in math--we are only doing addition and only one column of about 3 numbers. I can do many columns of addition. I know how to do the carry over of the numbers...in fact I can do many columns of subtraction."

I said, "Well, the teacher has to take time to teach the slower learners before she can go on to harder math." I didn't tell him that when she was younger, his Mimi was one of those slower math learners!

He is supposed to go into special advanced classes after their winter break and I hope that happens. He is very bright and advanced for his age--always has been--and he needs to be challenged to stay interested.

We had a great time--I spent way too much money, but--that's what spoiling them is all about and it only happens once a year. He kept worrying all the time, "are we spending too much for your money? My Dad told me not to spend too much..." Worry, worry, worry. I told him, "you aren't spending my money...I'm spending my money and it's all right."
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I had a really strange dream last night.

I met a teacher who wanted me to be room mother for their sixth grade class. I had been room mother for each of my children and I thought that I knew how to do it and could do it again…even though I was older.

The male teacher said, “With so many mother’s working nowadays, we just don’t have enough women for room mothers. I have one other mother and if you could help out…I would really appreciate your experience.” I accepted and looked forward to it.

The class was planning a party. I met with their teacher and then with the class to discuss what they wanted for refreshments and what they wanted to do. One of the girls stood up and said, “It is my party. I am having an abortion this Friday and so we are going to have a party.”

The other room mother and the teacher seemed to be happy about this. I wondered how in the world I was going to be able to attend the party, let alone plan the refreshments and the entertainment.

I asked the teacher about it and said, “We shouldn’t have a party for this girl, do you think?” His reply, “Now…no matter how you feel, we have to support this girl and if she wants a party to celebrate her abortion…we have to have it. It is her right to do whatever she wants.”

In my dream, it seemed like a few days went by. Days that I tried to tell myself to be politically correct and go ahead with the party. I visited a party store and looked for decorations. What kind of decoration did one use for an Abortion Party? Black crepe paper? Pink and blue crepe paper streamers? I had no idea. I went with the neutral yellow crepe paper and plates...just like I painted my baby’s nursery before they were born because I had no idea their gender.

The day before the party I once again visited the class. Everyone seemed so excited…especially the little 12 year old that was the recipient of the party. I took the teacher aside and told him I couldn’t plan or decorate or do anything for that kind of party. “I guess I am too old for this kind of thing. This generation just mystifies me.”

The young girl heard me and said, “But I want you here for my party. You are like my Grandma. You have to give me a party! I am so excited to have an abortion. Why don’t you want to celebrate with me?”

I turned to her and said, “I can’t. You are taking a life. There is no way I can give you a party for that…even though…if I were 12 and pregnant, I would probably want an abortion too.”

I turned to walk out of the class room and the girl, who was now crying, threw her shoe at me.
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Weird dream and I have no idea why I would dream it. I certainly have no desire to be a room mother. I do not know any 12 year old pregnant girls.

I have no idea why brought this dream on. Maybe because I ate ice cream before I went to bed?

Full Moon and Dreams

Have you noticed the beautiful full moon we have had for the last couple of days? It is beautiful---I have a love of a full moon. When I lived on the farm, the full moon shone in my bedroom window all night long. I loved that and it is why my dream house as a bedroom on the south west corner.

Wait--you didn't know I had house plans? For a new home, built out on the family property? Family property? You didn't know about that either?
I can see I need to do some background before I write about the full moon and my house plans.
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(If you double click on the pictures, you will get a full screen view.)
My great great grandparents came from New York State to Michigan in 1850. They purchased 100 acres of farmland, just south of my great great grandmother's brother's farm. They had to clear the land of part of the forest that grew there. They built a small frame house and a few years later, they built a large house. In this picture you can see the two houses--the small frame house is just across (south-left) the driveway of the Big House.

My great grandfather, grandfather and father were born and lived in the smaller frame house. As the elders who lived in the Big House died, the family who lived in the small house, moved across the driveway and gave the small house to their oldest child. Anyway--my father's mother and father bought the 80 acre farm just east of this farm. That is where I lived until I gave it to my eldest daughter and moved here. I was born and grew up and now my son lives on the farm my parents owned 1/8 mile to the right (north) of this picture.

After my uncle died, my father and step-mother moved to the Big House and lived here until my father died last year and when my sister retires (she lives in New York State) she and her husband will move into the Big House. This farm has been in the same family since 1850--it is called a Centennial Farm and is designated so by the State, complete with a plaque that sits in front of the barn.
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Three years ago, Fred and I longed to move back to the country. I missed my "land", my roots and Fred, who grew up on a farm in Wisconsin, also missed living in the country--plenty of room to walk around and breathe with the nearest neighbor 1/2 mile away.

We wanted to move a manufactured home onto the field south (to the left) of the small frame house. We were going out to The Farm every week to mow their lawn anyway and this way, we would be near my elderly father and step-mother and near my two oldest kids, who live on the other two family farms.

We looked at floor plans--rather I looked at them--Fred said it didn't matter to him what the house was like, he just wanted it on the west side of the road (so the dust would blow the other way--gravel road) and with a view of the pond and the barns and the woods beyond.

I finally drew up the floor plans on my own. It would need a basement--I wasn't going to live in another house without a basement--somewhere I could go when the storms came and a place for storage. It would have an attached two-car garage, a front and rear porch with a roof. We also needed a septic field and a well. I had the total amount figured in at near $110,000.00. Manufactured homes cost about $50.00 a square foot. The house would cost about 68,000.00, the well and septic about 10,000.00, the basement around 10,000.00--perhaps only half a basement, and the garage 20,000.00. The problem was--we didn't have that kind of money. My father would give us the land of course, a couple acres, but we wanted to pay cash for everything else. My father had discussed with my sister about our inheritance--I didn't talk to him about things like that, so she kept me in the loop on their conversations. She knew his estate was around 2 million dollars, with all the land and equipment, but that his cash assets were near 1 million--so she said we would probably get 1/3 with our step mother getting the other third.

I didn't want to even think about my father dying. His living was one of the main reasons I wanted to move back to my "homeland." But, I must admit, that conversation stayed in the back of my mind as I made my plans. Every time we drove out to The Farm, I'd walk over to the field and look around and see what the view out my living room and kitchen windows was going to be.

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The house would face east. I put the master bedroom on the south-west corner, with windows on each wall so that the full moon would come in those windows all night long. (Double click on the picture to get a full view.)

To make a long blog shorter--it doesn't look like this dream of mine is going to come to fruition. The estate may never be settled, but from what we've gone through this past summer and probably the most sticking point: from this farm, it is 20 miles to the nearest decent sized town to buy groceries and the nearest small hospital--50 to a fairly large city and hospital. If/when 911 is called, it takes 45 minutes at the shortest for them to arrive.

Fred needs to be closer to doctor's, hospital's and 911 facilities. If we had had to wait 45 minutes the night he had his heart attack, he would have died. I know the people that have lived there all their lives don't mind any of this--I used to live there and thought nothing of having to drive an hour to and from work everyday--everyone did that--it was no big deal. It was no big deal to drive 45 minutes to visit the dentist, doctor or get groceries. We had done it all our lives and were used to it.

Now...We live 1/4 mile from a small hospital and the heart clinic for Fred. I live 6 miles from my dentist and 4 miles from my doctor. The nearest Wal-Mart is 2.5 miles west and the nearest Michaels/JoAnn's/Meijer's is 2.5 miles east. Everything is very convenient and to tell you the truth---at my age and from now on, I don't know if I want to be away from the conveniences.

Maybe there are reasons some dreams don't come true? At least I know, if mine did, I would have the privilege of having the full moon shine on my face while I slept.

Weird Things

For the last month and a half, I have awakened each morning between 4:00 and 5:00 a.m. For no reason--most of the times I don’t even need to pee.

There is no rhyme nor reason to wake each morning and I have wondered why. When we turned back the clock, I assumed that I would now wake between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. I thought my internal clock was tuned in at the 4-5 wake-up which, with turned back clock, would now be actual time 3-4 a.m. But guess what--I still wake up between 4-5. Now isn’t that the strangest thing? How did my internal clock take everything into consideration and keep me on the same “actual” schedule, not the “clock” schedule? It is even weirder than why I wake up every morning at only the specified time of between 4-5.

I thought perhaps wake-up came a certain number of hours after I went to sleep; go to sleep at 11:30-12:00 and wake up 4 hours later, but...the couple of nights I couldn't sleep and sat up until 2:00--I STILL woke up between 4 and 5. I can't figure this out.
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Why do they close school's on election day? So that the 18 year olds can vote? Then why do they close ALL the schools? Elementary, Middle, High?
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My arm hurts and there is a knot where I got my flu shot yesterday and a red and purple dime sized spot on the skin.

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I have toe nail fungus on my right foot. Someone told me to rub my feet with Vicks and it will kill the fungus. I love the smell of Vicks and it makes my feet real smooth---I just don't want other people smelling my Vicks. Remember when old people smelled? Remember when you were a kid and grandma had an "old" smell about her. Didn't that smell include Vicks? Moth balls and Vicks I think.
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I had a fairy ring in my side lawn a couple weeks ago--before the Yardman mowed it down. I should have taken a picture of it--it was an almost perfect circle of little mushrooms--about 8 feet across. My yard has a fungus, just like my feet--hm-mm.
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Hair cut today--see ya later.

Andrew Christopher

Today is Big Brother's 8th birthday. He looks exactly like his mother. He was born in Salem, MA. She called when she went into labor and we started out on our drive there. We got there when he was just an hour old. When I picked him up, I felt the blood drain from my face--it was like I was picking up my own baby--his mother--he looked so much like her--the spitting image. He still looks like her. What is really strange--both Sister and Little Boy (his siblings) are blond with blue eyes --I think they take after their Mimi :-)

Thursday I'm picking him up after school and we are going shopping for his birthday present. He enjoys that and it gives us some time alone to talk about what is going on in his world. (This one has always been very close to me.) =======================

Finally found a place to get my seasonal flu shot. There was a shortage of the vaccine this year--at least in this area. My doctor didn't get any. Places like the drugstores; Walgreen's, CVS and pharmacies; Wal-Mart, Kroger's--they all got it, but a lot of doctor's offices did not. Which I think is weird!!

So...I had to go out and forage for my vaccine. Come to find out, they were holding a clinic today in the clubhouse--so up I went. OUCH--damn thing stung and still hurts. (I have never been the bravest when it comes to needles--probably had my arm all tightened up and everything.)

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My back hurts like sin today--and my hip and thigh and knee and even my calf muscle. Fred is lying down because his back hurts so much. It actually feels worse than when we started our treatments. Does it have to get worse before it gets better? I want to know--'cause if this is as good as it's going to get, I might as well stop driving to the back cruncher every other day and just live with it. CRAP!!

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My daughter's are all "into" brewing and drinking that Kombucha Tea. It's apparently a mushroom culture recipe that is Asian in origin and ancient and you let it steep until it gets moldy and rancid and then drink it? I don't know. It's suppose to have lots of antioxidants and they claim it gives them all sorts of energy and stuff like that. I am not touching that stuff. Now--if it came in capsule form I might try it, but it would just be my luck that I'd let the "tea" steep too long and end up with e-coli or something even deadlier. The whole thing sounds too nasty to me. I'll stick to my Fish Oil capsules and my Vitamin D-3.

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Damn--my arm is really starting to ache. They told me to use it a lot to get the vaccine out into my system--so...need a sandwich and do some knitting and cross stitching. See ya later............

I Did It

I posted a blog every day for an entire month--a month with 31 days in it even. Woo Hoo--now I can quit?

Nah--it sometimes was difficult to think of something to blog about...my ordinary life isn't all that exciting, but it was a good form of discipline for me.

Fred getting ready to go to his Chiropractor--I go to mine this afternoon.
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I love this falling back--I was wide awake and out of bed well before 8:30 a.m. clock-time this morning...'cause it "felt" like it was 9:30. Now I have a whole day stretching out before me to fill up with something interesting.

I have my routine--laundry and clean the bedroom today. Then the Chiropractor, then finishing up a sweater I've been knitting and a bit of cross stitching tonight while we watch TV.

I felt lousy yesterday. My head felt like it was suspended a foot above my shoulders and every time I got up to walk, it felt like it swayed back and forth. I not only felt dizzy, but faint--even when I was sitting quietly in my chair, I felt like I might faint and fall out of it. This morning I feel okay, so I have no idea what all that was yesterday. Probably needed some nicotine--I have quit smoking again.
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Yesterday was my girlfriend's 70th birthday. She is the youngest of our group, so the last one to turn 70. We have all been complaining about our age and some of us (me) seem to be stunned and almost speechless that we are so old and in such a short time. It's like I never saw it coming and--OHMIGAWD--here it is!! In my head I'm still 30 or 40 and just don't understand where the years went. ANYWAY--this girlfriend is the one who a year ago was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. No one gave her much of a chance and here she is, one short year later, feeling great with a lot of energy (more than I have), with blood test "cancer" numbers low and LOVING the fact that she is 70. She is the ONLY one in the group happy to be 70--which puts it all into perspective doesn't it? This is the girl I met the first day of Kindergarten. We have taken many family trips together; my kids call her Aunt; we have a long history with each other.

I wanted to get her something special, so I made arrangements with a florist in a town near where she lives to make a special Saturday delivery and I wanted peach colored roses--a dozen of them. That florist went to a lot of work to find a distributor that had peach colored roses and order them and arrange them and get them to her early Saturday. Her husband sent me a picture of them--they did turn out beautiful.


I can't believe it, but the Yard Man came on a Saturday even and brought his g'daughter to help. She went around with the leaf blower and he came behind her with the mower with the catcher bag and they bagged up over 20 yard bags of leaves off my lawn--after the hour he spent here on Wednesday last week. I think we are done with the whole leaf thingie for the year. Although there are a few yet to fall--I don't care. Let them fall and lie there all winter--it feels like snow will be the next thing to fall around here so............

I got all the porch furniture and stuff put away. Now that I am not sitting out on the front porch for my smokes, I don't need the chairs and table there anymore.

Everything is now put away and we are ready.........................